Amusing Candidate Summary

From the CTRN mailing list comes this personal description from a candidate resume:

Tall handsome German-American Baccalaureate looking for a good time with a computer company. Just getting out of a 1099 v dash relationship with Microsoft and looking for a serious relationship that will nurture my growing skills, but short term relationships are good too! The size of your pay is not terribly important, but I might be disappointed if it were less than 40k USD per year. I like long walks on the beach, mountain climbing, networking, and computer security. I am always looking for something new and exciting out of relationship; if you think you can teach me some new tricks let me know! If you think you or your company might be a good fit, or you know a company who might – shoot me an email, or drop me a line at the address and phone number above. I would be more than happy to talk over our compatibility.

Thanks and a hat tip to Patricia!

Tall handsome German-American Baccalaureate looking for a good time with a computer company. Just getting out of a 1099 v dash relationship with Microsoft and looking for a serious relationship that will nurture my growing skills, but short term relationships are good too! The size of your pay is not terribly important, but I might be disappointed if it were less than 40k USD per year. I like long walks on the beach, mountain climbing, networking, and computer security. I am always looking for something new and exciting out of relationship; if you think you can teach me some new tricks let me know! If you think you or your company might be a good fit, or you know a company who might shoot me and email, or drop me a line at the address and phone number above. I would be more than happy to talk over our compatibility.

Summer Break is over!

Dear Readers,

Thank you for your patience as I took a desperately needed summer break. Instead of locking myself inside at the keyboard, I got out and did some camping, helped with a few scout activities and worked on growing a face cord of zucchini. I also got to work on some interesting projects at work.

However, I did miss commenting on a few items over the summer, topics like:

• Ricci v. DeStefano aka the New Haven Firefighter Testing Case, in June.
• The July article on How Not to Write a Resumes by Max Messmer, chairman and CEO of Robert Half Intl.
• The recent college grad who sued Monroe College because she hasn’t found a job (on CNN in August), diploma shown above.
• The Canadian Navy’s employment branding campaign tackles recruiting problems (also in August).

Ah, but it is good to be back.

NotJobs: How NOT To Get a Job Interview

Dustin Williams, a career counselor at the University of Missouri-Kansas City, has a career advice column on the InkKC blog.  In his recent column, Dustin covers his top 5 tips on How NOT To Get a Job Interview.  His topics are:

5. Use an unprofessional email address: Smokedog420@whatever.com or 1hotmama@youwish.com
4. Not following instructions when submitting application materials
3.  Submit a junky resume
2. Have cute/sleazy/stupid human trick pictures on social media sites
1. Avoid networking!

See the full details on the InkKC weblog:
http://www.inkkc.com/dustin+williams/blog/4062

Tips: How does my resume rate?

25 words that hurt your resume

Words don’t tell potential employers as much as deeds

By Laura Morsch
CareerBuilder.com

“So, you’re experienced? Before you advertise this in your resume, be sure you can prove it.”

Often, when job seekers try to sell themselves to potential employers,they load their resumes with vague claims that are transparent to hiring managers, according to Scott Bennett, author of “The Elements of Resume Style” (AMACOM).

By contrast, the most successful job seekers avoid these vague phrases
on their resumes in favor of accomplishments.

Instead of making empty claims to demonstrate your work ethic, usebrief, specific examples to demonstrate your skills. In other words, show, don’t tell.

Bennett offers these examples:

• Instead of… “Experience working in fast-paced environment”
  Try…* “Registered 120+ third-shift emergency patients per night”
• Instead of… “Excellent written communication skills”
  Try…* “Wrote jargon-free User Guide for 11,000 users”
• Instead of… “Team player with cross-functional awareness”
  Try…* “Collaborated with clients, A/R and Sales to increase speed of receivables and prevent interruption of service to clients.”
• Instead of… “Demonstrated success in analyzing client needs”
  Try…* “Created and implemented comprehensive needs assessment
  mechanism to help forecast demand for services and staffing.”

The worst offenders

It’s good to be hard-working and ambitious, right? The hiring manager
won’t be convinced if you can’t provide solid examples to back up your
claims.

Bennett suggests being extra-careful before putting these nice-sounding
but empty words in your resume.

• Aggressive
• Ambitious
• Competent
• Creative
• Detail-oriented
• Determined
• Efficient
• Experienced
• Flexible
• Goal-oriented
• Hard-working
• Independent
• Innovative
• Knowledgeable
• Logical
• Motivated
• Meticulous
• People person
• Professional
• Reliable
• Resourceful
• Self-motivated
• Successful
• Team player
• Well-organized

Find this article at:
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/Careers/01/20/cb.words.hurt.resume

Tips: Give your resume a face lift

Over on LifeClever, Chanpory Rith offers four good ways to give your resume a face lift:

1. Pick a better typeface
2. Remove extra indentations
3. Make it easy to skim
4. Apply typographic detailing

Chanpory is on a Mac, but PC details are available in the comments.

Video Resumes: The Worst Idea Yet To Come

Mark Lucker is a good friend, a fellow alumnus of Denver South High School, and the brave man who served as my wife’s date to the senior prom. Mark is also one of the best writers I know. He’s one guy who should have his own blog (hint, hint!)

Mark and I think alike on several things, including the utility of video resumes. He covered the bases nicely in an article on the Training Media Review site. Mark had reviewed WorkBlast, and the CEO of WorkBlast parent HireMeNow.com tried to rebut. Mark did a masterful rebuttal. See the exchange here: Are Video Resumes a Good Idea?Mark’s main point is great:

Does a video resume really save time? If I’m a hiring manager reviewing a stack of resumes, I can easily whittle a pile of 100 candidates down to a more manageable 10 to 15 candidates in about 10 minutes. If I’m a hiring manager with 100 resumes to go through on a website, I’m looking at 10 minutes simply waiting for the online videos to load, not including actually viewing them.

I’d only add the caveat that video resumes might work for some select circumstances: professions like Performing Arts, News Media (same thing) and Cinematography come to mind. Like we’ve done with leisure suits and Dorothy Hamel haircuts, the rest of us should forget the video resume.

Edit: Updated the date to 2008.

Tips: Miriam’s Top 5 Resume Do’s and Don’ts

• Sell
• Focus
• Design
• Target
• Be Precise

These are the top five To Do resume tips offered by Miriam Salpeter of Keppie Careers. Miriam’s five do and five don’t tips are worth reviewing – find them on the Secrets of the Job Hunt blog.

NotJobs: How Not to Get a Tax (or Other) Job by TaxGirl

It’s a bird… It’s a plane… It’s Taxgirl! TaxGirl, a.k.a. Kelly Phillips Erb, is a tax attorney who blogs (a lot – But she likes caffeine!). In How Not to Get a Tax (or Other) Job, TaxGirl covers her recent experiences in hiring. We’ve seen some of her points before, but she found a couple of new one:

2. Call me instead of sending a resume. To this day, my favorite jobseeker was the guy from UPenn who actually called and left this message (almost verbatim): “Yeah, um, hi, this is Bob. I went to Penn Law. If you want to hire me, you can call me at xxx.xxx.xxxx” Right, Bob. I’ll get right on that. Apparently that Ivy League education of yours failed to teach you how to send a resume.
…
4. FedEx your resume. This is a pet peeve of mine, especially if it requires a signature. I am too damn busy to sign for your freaking resume. And the fact that you’re sending it via FedEx says to me (true or not) that (1) you’re desperate to be recognized and (2) you have enough money already.

I’ve had some people leave some pretty awful voice mail messages, but I’ve never had someone message me instead of submitting a resume.

See the whole post for TaxGirl’s take on How Not to Get a Job.

NotJobs: How Not to Get a Planning Job

Over on the Cyberia forums, where urban planners discuss our future cities, the Cyburbian Cardinal reports about the resumes he’s been reviewing. The problems he sees are not limited to his field. In the sample below, the original resume verbiage is in italics.

Post of the Day | Careers How not to get a job

Energetic young planner seeks exciting position in big city
Turn-ons include new urbanism and long moonlit walks on the beach. No. This is not on online dating service, and drop the adjectives. Highlight your experience and skills.

Graduate student seeking mid-level position
You are under-qualified for a mid-level position. People in mid-level positions got there by having years of experience, not a degree. A graduate degree with less than 2-4 years of experience is still an entry-level position just about anywhere.

Check out the original for the Cardinal’s other observations, and some great comments.

LinkedIn: What is the funniest (or worst) resume gaffe you’ve seen in 2007?

Over on the LinkedIn Questions pages, recruiters are sharing their hilarious examples of What is the funniest (or worst) resume gaffe you’ve seen in 2007?

A few shining examples:

• “I like to use a hot glue gun as a hobby.”
• “Great oral skills”
• “Experienced Writter Available”

Go see – more examples are added every hour.