Quote of the Day: "Office is out!"

“There comes no lovely day in spring when the doors of America’s businesses fly open and employees rush away singing:

     Office is out! Office is out!
     Management let the monkeys out!
     No more faxes! No more phones!
     No more taking laptops home!”

– The CEO of the Sofa by P. J. O’Rourke

Horror/Comedy Stories in Staffing!!!!!!

Over on the Recruiting & Staffing forums on the Workforce Management Magazine site, someone today resurrected an old thread about the oddest or funniest moments in staffing. Here are a few good bits:

After sending this one guy to get a urinalysis drug screen. When the report came back, the good news was it was urine; the bad – it wasn’t human.

I hate it when that happens. Then there’s the one about an interesting stress response:

I was doing group interviews. There was a gal that came in and was filling out an application. She took over an hour to fill out the app. I had my back to her and all of a sudden I heard snoring. I looked at her and with pen in hand she had fallen dead asleep on the table. I first thought she was dead!!

Then comes this one from the agency side:

A guy showed up for the interview we set @ Ford. He was meeting my manager in the lobby and then my manager would direct the candidate into Ford’s Interview room where he would leave the candidate with Ford hiring personnel. He was a Controls Engineer who knew Telemecanique (real old and out of style) very well… Ford needed these engineers to train their current Controls Engineers how to work on these new hand-me-down Telemecanique PLCs… so my guy shows up wearing a button down untucked black shirt (top 2 buttons undone so his hair was sticking out of the shirt) with his long greasy black hair (like a rock star) and a pair of jeans (oh! and a gold horn for a necklace)… my boss said when he met the guy, he told him to clean himself up a little before meeting the managers (buttoning the shirt, tucking in, fix the hair a little, etc…) …well then my manager makes the intro and leaves the candidate there with the managers for the interview. He calls me RIGHT AWAY from the parking lot and yells at me for not telling the candidate how to dress.

Well, then Ford calls that afternoon with an offer (quickest offer to this day)… they said that they couldn’t afford to lose him! Well, 2 years later, my controls engineer is now a perm employee who has won so many awards from his group, that they are sending him to MI to meet with some of the big wigs… HA!

Then there’s the ones about woman who always fell off chairs, the guy in the slipping hairpiece, and the temp in crotchless pajama bottoms.

See the whole thing.

Adams strikes back: More drunken lemur Dilbert toons

“Why does it seem as if most of the decisions in my workplace are made by drunken lemurs?”

“Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent.”

“Why are talented people so busy?”

“They’re fixing the problems made by people who have time.”

One single post on this blog has received more traffic than any other: Man fired for posting ‘Dilbert’ comparing boss to drunken lemur. Back in December, I posted a snip from the Des Moines Register on how casino employee Dave Steward locked horns with his managers about a posted cartoon. Cartoonist Scott Adams even commented on the absurdity of the situation on his DilbertBlog.

This week, Adams did more than muse on it – he actually has Wally experience what Steward did. Of course, Adam’s version is funnier. Check it out:

20-Feb-08: Pointy-Haired Boss, “Our surveillance cameras caught you posting this anti-management comic on the wall.“

21-Feb-08: Catbert, “You won’t be eligible for unemployment benefits unless you can prove you were stupid as opposed to malicious.“

22-Feb-08: Wally, “The company will be fine without my secret and exclusive knowledge of critical systems.“

23-Feb-08: Dogbert, “Would you say you worship Satan, or do you simply respect his no-nonsense approach to discipline?“

The Dogbert Gazette Des Moines Register also has a follow-up story.

Corporate Life: This MUST be Boulder

This request appeared today on the e-mail list for Boulder, Colorado HR folks.

Hi!

We allow employees to bring their dogs to work. This worked great when only a couple of employees wanted to do this. Now the number is growing.

We are wondering if there are any other local companies who allow dogs to come into the workplace. If so, have you instituted dog policies?

If you do have a dog policy, would you be willing to share it with me?

Sincerely,

Stephanie

I’ve been working in the “People’s Republic of Boulder” for over 10 years, and I’ve seen the doggie-at-work thing many, many times. I’ve actually had people accept a job because of it.

Can anyone help out Stephanie?

UPDATE 14-FEB: Check out the thread by Mike M on The Furry Receptionist

Tip: What’s the Position Worth?

Johanna Rothman makes a great point on the Hiring Technical People blog:

Companies don’t pay people because they are warm-hearted. They pay employees to provide value. The more value, the more pay. (We hope. Sometimes, that’s the more expected value, the more pay.) If you’re a candidate, define your value. If you’re a hiring manager define the value you want to receive. Now you’ll have a much better understanding of what you should pay. And, you’ll know what the decision is worth.

She’s on to something, but I would phrase it slightly differently:

Companies don’t pay people because they are warm-hearted. They pay employees to solve a business problem.

Knowledge is the key here.

Tips: 50 Free Job Posting Sites

Over on the Bootstrapper site, Christina Laun has posted a list titled Better than Monster: 50 Free Places You Can Post A Job Online and Get Top Talent. Her list includes some well-know alternative sites like Craigslist, and some other niche job locations.

Recruiters should check the list to see if you can use some of these to expand your posting circle.

Candidates should check the list for new postings not on the majors.

Unknown factor: Does the Indeed search engine go out to these sites?

Recruiting is to HR as Sales is to Accounting

Over on ERE, Ken Forrester has an interesting article on “What Your Kids’ Basketball Coach Knows“. After dissecting some of the challenges that we face, Ken makes some suggestions of what to do:

Move recruiting from HR to sales and marketing. Prior to the Internet, recruiting and HR folks were never on the same page philosophically; one was focused on results and the other on procedures. Like sales and marketing, recruiting is one of the most challenging professions; it requires a certain type of individual with a competitive risk-taking mentality, strong self-discipline, and interpersonal skills to be successful. The typical HR personalities tend to be more cost driven, bureaucratic, and administrative. Having recruiting report to HR is certainly not a good marriage and will only guarantee mediocre recruiting performers.

This disconnect between the HR gatekeepers and the “go-go” recruiting staff will always be a source of tension in a company.

The best way to put this is the analogy I proposed to CTRN back in the day:

Recruiting is to Human Resources as
Sales is to Accounting

But just try to convince your VP of HR about that.

Introduction To Recruiting

Over on The Recruiting Animal Blog, Michael Kelemen has an interesting post as an Introduction To Recruiting. Mr. Kelemen was asked for the basics of the recruiting business, and he does a credible, but limited, job of it. I realized that what Kelemen should address is the basics of the recruiting Profession.

In the early days of the Colorado Technical Recruiters Network, we had many discussions about recruiting as a profession. Some of what Kelemen missed were items that we CTRN founding members hashed out over many adult beverages. Here’s my take on recruiting as a profession:

There are three aspects to recruiting:
1. First Party or Corporate Recruiting – you hire employees to your own payroll, they work under your managers. Most contract recruiters are working in this role.
2. Second Party or Staff Augmentation – you hire to your own payroll, employees work under client management. Also called labor vendors, labor brokers or contract services. Most temp agencies use this model.
3. Third Party or Headhunting (a.k.a. Executive Search) – clients hire your candidates for their own payroll.

There are four kinds of Headhunting firms:
1. Contingency – paid when the client hires (I did this)
2. Retained Search – Paid a flat rate to find one or two of the best candidates.
3. Hybrid – I’ve heard these firms called fee plus, “retigency” and combination fee. Creative recruiters and sales reps can work many kinds of deals. One typical arrangement is an up-front retainer, plus a per hire bonus.
4. Source only – a newer model where the client pays a flat fee to receive a limited number of pre-qualified candidates. The client contacts the candidates and moves on from there.

Referring to contingency headhunting firms, The Recruiting Animal says:

If you work for a firm it works a lot like the real estate business. The firm takes half of the fee. The person who brought in the order takes 25% and the person who supplied the candidate takes 25%.

My experience is that different firms have different business models. The percentages vary between the house and the staff, and between the person owning the candidate and owning the order. The firm I worked for took more, for “overhead”. Obviously, it is better to fill your own orders.

So – thanks to Mr. Keleman for a great start to the conversation. He’s given me ideas for a few more monographs.

Tip: Maximize How You Use LinkedIn

Mike O’Neil gave a great talk on LinkedIn at the North CTRN meeting on Wednesday. O’Neil owns Integrated Alliances, a networking company, so providing LinkedIn training fits into his mission. He shared a few good points as a teaser. Mike said he’d try to schedule a class on the north side, and invite CTRN.

Some of the points he made were things I have already done, like changing my public profile URL from a string of digits to my name. He made a pitch for using “words that sell” in our profiles. (He used his as an example, see it at http://www.linkedin.com/in/mikeoneil). He also mentioned that LI has a lifetime maximum of 3000 invitations. I learned some useful tricks about their search engine, which will help with finding people. He also gave examples of the importance of upgrading the text when submitting invitations. We also discussed the ethics and etiquette of linking.

It was a great teaser. Check out Mike’s Training Page for details on his next class.

UPDATE 26 June: See Guy Kawasaki’s “Ten Ways to Use LinkedIn” suggestions. Actually, as he usually does, Guy gives you more. He has eleven ways.

How Not to Get a Job: Lazy, Uneducated, Careless Persons Wanted

An old one found in my e-mail, here’s an actual job posting from Craig’s List New York from 2005. I know how the poster feels:

Growing profitable respected tech company seeks people without any sort of completed college degree (and who misspell bachelors), to arrive in the office not at scheduled times but rather when they see fit and after arrival to proceed to do as little as humanly possible and never learn anything.

We’re not picky on the completion thing here so if we ask for a university graduate, and you once attended a class or might possibly plan to at some point in time, please go right ahead and apply. Our specific needs/wants and especially our time is worthless. Only you matter.

Further, we ask that you send a totally irrelevant generic cover letter (possibly including a title for a different job or often a different company’s name) that mentions you possess a very special talent and can speak the language of the country you were born and raised in before you came here and that utterly ignores the topic you were asked to address in the cover letter.

We’ve only worked day and night for 5 years building this company to the point we need additional help, positively no need for you to waste 4 minutes of your precious time actually expressing the slightest bit of effort/interest. (In prior ridiculous ads we mentioned we were an internet firm and asked you to include a sentence of how you use the internet, roughly 90% of you couldn’t be bothered, please accept our apologies).

If you’re late, by all means blame public transportation not your failure to take an earlier subway/bus. And while we’re on the topic of your coming here, also by all means don’t dare show the initiative to locate somewhere as obscure as Wall Street all on your own (as miraculously do the thousands of tourists who don’t speak a word of English and yet somehow find their own way here daily), but instead do call us and ask repeatedly which train comes here and when.

This is important, I know you’re bored already, sorry, but ignore our URL where it shows who we are, tells what we do, our street address, etc… The mention of it in prior ads was merely more silly fodder from our prior juvenile advertisements, instead email or call us for both the address and directions, then arrive late for the hassle of an interview and halfway through ask the name of the company and what it is we do anyhow.

We don’t need programmers at the moment, this ad is for office administrators and event managers, but even if you have never opened a single “For Dummies” book much less seen a programming textbook and keeping in mind that you couldn’t be expected to type a single line of the simplest code for a million dollars, by all means include as skills on your resume a list of every programming language you’ve ever heard of or which could possibly be found on Google.

Also, we know you’re busy either being unemployed or stealing a paycheck somewhere else while you job search, so ALL CAPS, no caps, no punctuation, and spelling errors are all fine and emphasize our pointless request for detail-oriented people. It has been our lack of concern and shoddy work that has gained us so many clients, we’re happy to have them think less of us because you can’t be bothered to run spellcheck for your cover letter (if you even bothered including one and aren’t part of the horde just sending resumes alone). We know spellcheck, or worse being expected to be able to spell on your own, is a drag and once you’re here emailing documents to clients you’re sure to do better.

For event managers, when we send you to events we want you to show up late, dressed sloppily, make endless personal mobile phone calls, lose/damage/forget our equipment, elbow our hosts’ clients out of the way when they announce meals, leave the live event for as many smoke breaks as you wish, and complain about the food/entertainment to other onsite colleagues or anyone who will listen. Treat each event as your own personal social event, make dates, exchange personal phone numbers and email addresses, maybe even go out late at night and get drunk with your new “contacts.” It will provide you with something to distract your colleagues with the next day when you and they should be, ugh, working.

We begin early in the morning on event days, which are often, but you should feel free to be late and tell us we never mentioned it. We also work late and pay substantial bonuses, but nevertheless are really only seeking to exploit you. We also give healthcare after 90 days if you didn’t find a better job in the meantime. The fools who do learn and work and contribute earn more money based on, gasp, merit. But then they’re the same ones who check their grammar and who can be bothered?

Because it could easily be a virus you should certainly include your resume as an attachment if that’s easier for you and you should certainly not bring one to the interview. We’ll search through the hundreds of emails, locate yours under your AOL account, (I forget was that “alwaysawildpartyanimal @ aol” or “ilovedrugs @ msn” ?) and then print two copies, what the heck we’ll print three so you can take one to your next interview, which you actually mentioned twice that you’re runnng late for so could I please hurry it up.

We know email is not as convenient for you as instant messaging and a lot more complex than a fax, so call and ask if you can do either of those if that’s better for you.

If you’re a recruiter or jobsite, by all means do not email but instead call to tell us of candidates who aren’t available now for this immediate hire position, nor in any manner qualified, but who might be considering moving to NYC or better yet, just spam us.

None of the above was imagined or created but rather are all accurate specific repeated examples of what we’ve received. This is an ad of frustration, we have a great, respected, and growing tech company and we need good smart dedicated people to work hard for long hours at events around the country or in the office supporting those client events. We pay well and have generous bonuses.